Preface: All You Need
You may be wondering if this is another of those charming tomes which sets out to explain that all you need to know in life can be learned by interaction and observation of pugs. Well, that would certainly put you on track and you’d be half right already. Of course you can’t be all right without benefit of more time and effort with understanding pugs. I wish the most success possible!
Some days are just too busy, too crowded, and it seems like everything is completely incorporated. In such times, the mind needs something substantial to center itself on less we sink deeper into some meaningless aspect of whatever is currently fashionable.
We’ve all felt the wonder of giving in to a creative urge or to simply stay still and admire the beauty of things. Such an effort involves clearing the mind of complexities and there where you’d least expect, profound things may develop.
Everything I need to escape from the stress and heaviness of the world can be learned from observing and interacting with Bucky. Bucky does not communicate intelligently with spoken language and neither reads nor writes. This does nothing to blunt his impact. Bucky is a Pug dog living around the turn of the twenty-first century on the planet earth.
I’ve tried by best to impart what I’ve learned from Bucky in these pages and if I’ve succeeded to even a small percentage, I’m certain the world will be a better place and this will be time well spent for you and I.
The musings that follow occur in no particular order but rather follow the way of the pug which is sometimes described as “like a butterfly”.
I have no desire to steal the thunder or teach the reader about the spirit and wonder of pugs except by the examples I’ve noticed and the extra bits and snippets of knowledge that have occurred to me along the line. Therefore, I’ve tried to keep things simple in the telling and at the end of each chapter I will offer some things to consider before moving on. It is most probable that you’ll need to have your own encounter with a pug in order to receive the spark of imagination and creativity necessary for total enlightenment on these subjects but you never know for sure. Useful knowledge comes to people in many different ways.
Chapter 1: Mythology
The planet Zorcon is in the outer galaxy beyond the grasp and knowledge of earth people. From here, rumors existed that there were other planets encircled by moons made of pure cheese. Pugs left Zorcon in search of these moons and though they were in fact misguided, they eventually found the way to earth and discovered seemingly infinite varieties of cheese . They decided to stay and made inroads into earth culture in roles resembling that of a court jester or the emperor’s prize pet. Since a pug is a natural clown anyway, it was an easy life and eventually led to the situation which exists today where pugs are not expected to do anything to earn their keep.
Some things to consider:
How did pugs travel?
What was life on Zorcon really like?
How did the pugs communicate with each other?
Chapter 2: Earthly Origins of Pugs
Why pugs? This is the type of question that comes to you when you are not physically or mentally connected with a pug. You’ve heard about how different breeds of dogs have evolved over time to serve some purpose be it herding, hunting, protecting, or whatever. Again you wonder, what purpose for pugs? They are not especially useful as working animals. It is believed that the earthly origin of pugs was in China perhaps two or three thousand years ago. They were supposedly kept as companion animals for emperors or monks. These are the type of people known for pursuing wisdom which brings us to the simple conclusion that pugs had a part in the pursuit of wisdom. This little dog can more than earn his keep in the same manner today if we only allow the message to come through all the noise of the modern world.
Some things to consider:
How on earth could anyone practice meditation if a pug lived nearby? They are so well known for barking, snoring, or going mad for attention.
Do pugs have a Chinese temperament? If so, how is it expressed?
Are there perhaps some ancient texts that would provide more background for the role of pugs in the establishment of civilized society? Where would one go to look for this evidence?
Chapter 3: Living In The Now
The way most humans experience life in their minds is sort of like a compendium swinging from the past to the future and back again. What happened to me? What might happen to me? This perspective is very foreign to pugs who live in the one true eternal moment which is called Now. This is why you would seldom notice any sign of stress on a pug’s face. The pug is either snoring or making a mad dash toward the most interesting thing life has to offer. The fact that this “interesting thing” might change in midstream is of no consequence whatsoever to a pug.
Some things to consider:
Isn’t it horrible to think that one could exist without having pleasant memories of some past event or not?
What would it be like to experience concepts such as “good” and “bad” without any more emotion than one should assign to red light and green light?
What must it be like when even your dreams are in the Now?
Chapter 4: No Need to Be Exact
A lot of the complexity and bother in life comes about because of the need to be exact in describing things that seem to be important. As usual, the pug offers an example of a better way. When a pug needs to explain something or answer a question, there is a simple response that always suffices. “About that much!” This thought is communicated either through brain waves (helped by eye contact) or with the human simply annunciating these very words for the pug such as “well, it’s about that much”. Just as important as the thought, that action is, and the required action in this instance is to move on. Don’t linger or make further attempt to expound or explain yourself or anything else.
Some things to consider:
Practice “about that much” by cutting short some of your explanations. Let others have the honor of filling in the blanks sometimes.
If you are aware that something is going to happen a certain way regardless, what difference will it make if you say something about it?
How does it feel when your “short and sweet” response is both respected and understood?
Chapter 5: The Value of Being Insistent
We’ve all heard the saying that you there are times when you can’t get something unless you ask for it. Pugs take this concept a step farther to help insure a better chance for success. When a pug wants something, there are three basic strategies:
Eye Contact - Pugs have large googly eyes that plead for something like there is no tomorrow. If one doesn’t immediately give in to this, a sense of guilt will come along with the wonder at what bad karma might result from continued denial of this pug.
Paw Contact – Basically the pug will step on your toes. Not only can this cause a bit of pain, but one there is some concern for the welfare of the pug. Better give in.
Barking – Eye and paw contact are not mutually exclusive, so prepare for the possibility that the pug may keep up both of these strategies while beginning to bark. The pug may also attempt to make circles around you while barking. The best way to shut the pug up is to give in.
Some things to consider:
The next time you really want something and require the assistance of another in obtaining it, try using something other than words to drive home the necessity.
Why are pugs a very rare sight in a obedience school?
Chapter 6: The Value of Being Flexible
What would an exercise in galactic wisdom be without some contradiction? Pugs definetly achieved their standing in the world today by being insistent, however, they also can be very flexible. Or should I say whimsical?
Anyway, in ancient times pugs spent a lot of time in chasing butterflies. If you’ve every tried this, you’ll know that it is hard to catch something that travels an unpredictable path. Pugs learned to chase butterflies and keep at it so long as it were fun. There is always that certain moment when it is best to give up, and pugs developed this into an art. So after going this way and that, the pug might suddenly turn and run off in a different direction as though something more important just occurred to him. That which was learned in butterfly chasing became a skill that pugs have employed in other parts of their lives.
I’ve convinced after observing Bucky over a period of years, that not even he would know just what prompted the sudden change of direction or in fact, what will happen next. Instead, the pug just heads out and keeps moving until the eyes come upon something new and exciting.
Some things to consider:
When you find yourself in a rut, try heading off in a different direction and keep going until something new or worthwhile appears.
Instead of living a life filled with dogged determination, you should sometimes just give up when you don’t get what you are after and transfer your energy toward obtaining a new desire.
Chapter 7: Catch Me if You Can
Pugs have a great need to be sought after or even chased by humans or other animals. They will find a way to make you want to get your hands on them and hold them up for the whole world to say “look here at this ridiculous pug”. Before you can have this honor, you must catch them and this may not be an easy task. They instinctively head for small, tight, or cramped places that also afford easy access to get in and out of. Pugs are proud of their ability to make people run in circles. They show off this pride by stopping to taunt their pursuer before throwing their head back and running down the random path of life.
Some things to consider:
Rather than standing still to argue with someone, try teasing and then moving away from them. Before they tire of the chase, they might learn something about what you were trying to say without all the words or friction.
When you catch a pug, you must be ready for strong displays of affection. Likewise, in human interaction try giving out a little love and then find out if people are more agreeable to your wishes.
Appendix: Some more specific observations about Pugs
A Pug is a type of dog that is thought to have been bred specifically to sit in the lap of luxury. They come in shades of black and fawn. Their eyes are big and buggy and the nose is flatter than a green onion pancake. Their bodies are soft and furry, and not much larger than a piglet when full grown. They have little tails that curl up over their backs. The tail can wag too, but doesn't make a big production of it. The tail will come down between the legs if there is any sense of shame, but it is not desirable or even natural for a pug to feel shame. They are by nature self assured and happy.
A pug has nice, sturdy paws that always seem a little larger than what you'd expect from a small dog. You'll often find them stepping around in a circle, carefully approaching a visitor and then dancing away from the person's outstretched arms, if only to return a moment later and step squarely on their victim's toe. And who can forget? Pugs are noisy little animals! They'll bark when alarmed or hungry and they'll bark when being playful. A pug will bark before asking a question and a pug would rather bark than listen to what anyone has to say. A pug has a little sausage shaped body and he uses sturdy paws to brace himself on the ground. Yet still the effort does not provide enough stability to keep him from lurching back or forward when barking. If you need an image here, think of a toy cannon that jumps back from the force of firing.
Now less you get the wrong idea, these little fellows have plenty of other ways to communicate besides barking. In fact, I've come to believe that barking is a type of physical therapy (get the "willies" out) for pugs and an outright nonsensical use of language. Pugs have more delightful ways to express themselves. There's the "roo" which resides on the calmer side of the vocal spectrum. The roo is used for gentle scolding as well as declarations of grandeur. The roo is repeated in a sing-song manner with some notes sustained for emphasis. The head is listed upward and the eyes gaze out with the general air that this speaker has something important to say. The roo is the pug's small voice, but watch out for it will disarm and charm the listener and thereby give the pug yet another source of power.
Next we'll speak of the pug's eyes which are large and very expressive. They are often used to lull one to a false sense of security. What we're speaking of here is the proverbial calm before a storm! The pug has his own weather system which manifests as spray. The pug will step in close and proceed to walk across arms, legs, stomach, shoulders, chest, etc. until at last he stands no more than an inch from your face. This is where the trauma of the inspection begins and any good pug worth his weight in popcorn will allow the tension to rise until it becomes unbearable. Suddenly its over! A blast of pug spray right in the face and now the view of the pug's rear-end as he walks back across your body in whatever manner might suite his fancy. Don't bother him now unless you want to restart the whole process. Anyway, he's just looking for a place to rest. A pug's favorite lounging area is alongside a knee or ankle where upon the little head can lie peacefully. A nice, warm, and cuddly companion you have there now, yes? Pug spray may contain some somnambulant chemical quality that allows a person to relax and go with the flow, or perhaps you can come up with a better explanation for why someone would allow themselves to be stomped and sprayed?
Pugs belong to the group of dogs with flat faces. Essentially, this means the pug is a noisy breather and pound for pound, a truly world class practitioner of the art of snoring. As we've learned already, the pug will charm or otherwise maneuver his way to a prime spot beside you where you can easily imagine an engineer calling "all aboard for the sleepy town express!" And so it goes, a large assortment of snoring and blubbering sounds emanating from one sleeping pug. Perhaps every now and then he'll lookup to bark at something real or imagined. Older pugs are less likely to bother investigating such disturbances as they have learned that life in general is cozy, serene, and not likely to change during naptime.
Why does a pug exist? Well the true answer to this question revolves around the depletion of cheese and other favorite pug eats but let's try and dig deeper, shall we? I'm convinced that pugs have worked out their own very practical philosophy. I call it "living the Now". There are toys and children to chase, and leaves falling along with any number of mundane disturbances in the world. A pug will leave his course to give chase to such wonders only to be redirected again and again by this glorious thing called Now. Watch him go! The head is tilted back, the ears flop wildly from side to side, and the paws grope for traction. What pleases a pug more than taking up the chase? Excepting mealtime, nothing pleases a pug more than to have someone chase him. That's why a pug will move subtly away from you whenever need to pick him up or want to give him a pat. He wants to make you work for it. "Get the pug! Get that pug!" shout various family members. If we chase for a noble purpose (a bath) or just plain fun, the pug makes the most of the moment. Pugs are slow to embrace major concepts like maturity and I think all this chasing provides a constant emphasis on keeping things new and exciting. "Live for the Now and never a dull moment to grow old" might serve as a motto. Often, I've watched the pug make his rounds and I remain convinced that even he doesn't know what action belongs to the next moment. Whatever it will be, the pug is ready with a spirited response.
The End
Created by Bill Keys
billgkeys@yahoo.com
Showing posts with label Character Sketch. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Character Sketch. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Guru
No, he's not quite the spectacle that normally comes to mind when you think of Gurus. He's not pompous, self-righteous or even very demanding. He's often tense and sometimes even the word "fearful" would not do justice in describing how uncomfortable and scared he can become. He lifts a little white paw (the other three are black) an inch or two off the ground to steady himself and seems to be praying the danger to pass. A real guru (dog trainer) once explained to us that the motioning of his paw was in fact his attempt to steady himself and prevent an all out panic episode.
Perhaps his most characteristic moment was captured for all time in a photography studio a few years back. After trying to take his picture for many excruciating minutes, the photographer was beginning to lose patience. "Sit", we told him and every time the camera was aimed his way, he would head for the nearest exit only to be caught and put up on the stage again. Well, finally the message got through to him at least in the sense that he'd discovered that staying put was less scary than what happened when everyone including strangers threatened to chase him down! So there he sat, the camera raised into position, the owner imploring "sit", and the little black dog with the white "T" on his chest and one white paw managing finally to keep his butt firmly planted. Only he couldn't help himself, the front legs had begun to move away and with that the front part of his body (head, neck, etc.) began to move away like a slinky dog while the back half (tale, rear-end, etc.) obeyed the "sit" command. And so it was that the photographer snapped the wonderful picture for posterity.
Oh yeah, why do we call him Guru? That's not his real name. He was named Trinket by the woman who had assisted at this birth. She was a British woman with a taste for saving odd stray mutts and other dogs. We call Trinket "Guru" because every morning he gets up from bed (our bed!), jumps down to the floor and begins a long, slow stretch of the frot legs and then reverses to do the same with the back legs. Perfect yoga poses these are and I'm just in awe of his ability. He's 11 years old and still very young looking and spry. He's our little Guru.
by Billy Keys
billgkeys@yahoo.com
facebook.com/bill.keys
Perhaps his most characteristic moment was captured for all time in a photography studio a few years back. After trying to take his picture for many excruciating minutes, the photographer was beginning to lose patience. "Sit", we told him and every time the camera was aimed his way, he would head for the nearest exit only to be caught and put up on the stage again. Well, finally the message got through to him at least in the sense that he'd discovered that staying put was less scary than what happened when everyone including strangers threatened to chase him down! So there he sat, the camera raised into position, the owner imploring "sit", and the little black dog with the white "T" on his chest and one white paw managing finally to keep his butt firmly planted. Only he couldn't help himself, the front legs had begun to move away and with that the front part of his body (head, neck, etc.) began to move away like a slinky dog while the back half (tale, rear-end, etc.) obeyed the "sit" command. And so it was that the photographer snapped the wonderful picture for posterity.
Oh yeah, why do we call him Guru? That's not his real name. He was named Trinket by the woman who had assisted at this birth. She was a British woman with a taste for saving odd stray mutts and other dogs. We call Trinket "Guru" because every morning he gets up from bed (our bed!), jumps down to the floor and begins a long, slow stretch of the frot legs and then reverses to do the same with the back legs. Perfect yoga poses these are and I'm just in awe of his ability. He's 11 years old and still very young looking and spry. He's our little Guru.
by Billy Keys
billgkeys@yahoo.com
facebook.com/bill.keys
Friday, March 03, 2006
Matchmaking
I Decided To Try Dating:
In the days before the internet, there were these so called “dating services”. They used video files, questionnaires, list of likes and dislikes, and other methods to divine what might be a perfect match. It was in the early 90’s and there’s not yet a hint of browsers, dot.com explosions, or anything like. Hey, it was actually a kind of depressing time period. The economy was in bad shape anyway.
As for me, I was busy working all day and going to school at night. I would come home tired but ready to plunge into my homework assignments or maybe sit down to read a book (Philosophy, Drama, Poetry) or listen to music. (Bluegrass, Blues) OK, to be clear, I was not actively pursuing my latent interest in romance. I had already turned 30 and the subject of romance was regulated to the “haunted dreams” space or might give me headaches lying awake at night. Fulfillment was not in the cards.
I started looking at advertisements for Dating Services. What the hell, it wouldn’t be a bad thing to put the element of force to work. If I was to make something happen, I would get a ticket and stand in line knowing something different was about to happen, even it wasn’t the natural “way” for men and women to meet each other. Now realize I say “men and women” because this period was a long ways from Brokeback Mountain, and dating services were not yet prepared to widen their scope of influence in bringing the diverse spectrum of humanity together. Anyway, I had my dream to meet a woman, share the action and adventure of life both physically and mentally, and move on to a new stage of life. And now to go along with this dream, I had adopted a new attitude. Here was a Class A fear factor situation and I was going to confront it.
I picked out one matchmaking service called Together. I can’t recall if I’d found Together in the Metro weekly or perhaps the Yellow Pages but the concept seemed simple enough. Men and Women with diverse experience and backgrounds would find each other with a little bit of help from these knowledgeable pros. I called and made an appointment. They were very willing to accommodate my busy schedule too and that gave me a good impression.
The counselor assigned to my case was a woman about my age. She asked me a few questions about why I had decided to come in and then interrupted my response to report that I was in good hands. She personally knew a few good women attendant to this service who would be very interested to meet me. Why not call them in right now? (I thought) But proper etiquette suggested waiting for a punch line and so I waited patiently through her explanation of how the service works. Finally, she stopped and asked me which of their annual plans I intended to sign up for:
1) Meet 2 women per month for $750
2) Meet 1 woman a month for $500.
So which plan would I prefer? Oh my, $750 is a lot of money. They were rumors of cutbacks at work too. So I asked about the $500 plan. Wouldn’t it be a bit scant on the “dating” activity if there was only one name provided each month? “But you’ve forgotten that these are high quality matches. You’ll want to spend time with this one person”, said the counselor. “What if I sign up today” I said and she told me it takes 30 days for the process to work itself out. “What about those women you mentioned earlier?” I had remembered the carrots that had dangled earlier in my star crossed eyes. Unfortunately, things became confrontational at that point. After all, this was still a business transaction and my time in the chair was beginning to exceed the value thereof for my counselor. So out came the hard sale tactics. This woman would have been OK selling used cars or just about anything that required a good lean on. Didn’t I believe in myself? Wouldn’t I think it worthwhile to invest in myself? What was happiness worth? To which I gave some lame reply about job stability and assorted financial concerns. But again, didn’t I believe that I could find another job if that was how the cards played out? Cards? Yes, this is the second mention of “cards” in this little essay. You see, love is a gamble and we need explicit metaphors to assist in discovering the ways of love.
I was hooked! Yeah man, I guess this had been my problem all along. I hadn’t believed in myself enough to take chances, even when it came to facing the prospect of an empty, lonely life. Or at least I hadn’t practiced the time honored strategy of giving myself a chance to win by agreeing to play in the game. “Be careful” said the counselor. “You might think about this during the next few weeks and you might even think you’ve made a mistake. You need to wait for the process to work.” I’m a Libra, so of course this only made me think harder before signing the check to pay for the service. I weighed the evidence before me. Of course! She’s trying to make sure I don’t take advantage of the cooling off period to back out of the deal. But no amount of skepticism could stop me now. After all, I had a new attitude and I was taking charge of my own love life. I wouldn’t be caught on a lonely park bench waiting for a miracle to happen now. I was a Gambler with a Romantic streak and I believed in myself. Besides I’d wasted money on things worst than this. What about that old pick-up truck?
I hope I haven’t misled you. There won’t be a finely detailed description of everything that happened after I walked out the counselor’s office. Nope, the pace of this story increases now. I’ve set the stage for the ending and I hope I’ve made it clear that it all begins with a state of mind. The most important adventure of my life began with a stumble, an act of bravery, and with assorted accidents of chance and circumstance. Think about it a moment. At some point we all take the gamble and set things in motion.
It was almost two months before I received my first “match” in the mail from Together. I had tried to nonchalant the whole thing, but started calling the counselor’s office squarely after 30 days had gone by with no results. Like most things, this “dating” process began under pressure and needed a push and shove to take off. Here’s the summary of what happened, and remember, these activities occurred at 30 to 45 day intervals.
First Date:
She was a Hispanic police woman who was hard to hook up with. She was only available on weekday mornings. She need a couple of hours a day to “work out”. Somehow we managed a brief dinner at the Pruneyard in Campbell. Was she on duty? She told me she needed to sit in the back of the room facing the door in case some outlaw should decide to “draw down” on her. She’d have to be ready for that, or deal with the the possibility of taking a bullet in the back. First impression? Well, I remember thinking I wouldn’t want this kind of thing happen either. I was OK her taking a seat facing the doorway. We spent about a half hour or so with her explaining how she would “take out” criminals in various situations. I walked away knowing more about the role of women in the police department.
Second Date:
She was an elementary school teacher who was overweight with short cropped blond hair. She offered to help me with college math and commented that I had nice teeth. Sort of like examining livestock for intelligence and breeding, I thought. We spent an hour with her discussing the bad habits of her ex-husband. He liked to watch TV sports. What did I think about it? Well, I could understand a little bit of what their life must have been like and I knew the relationship hadn’t ended well. Later I read some advice that people shouldn’t mention their previous relationships, especially on a first date. The advice had impact and now I had experience as proof. I also noted that my Together preferences were for height/weight proportionate women with medium or long hair. Someone must have missed that, I guess.
Third Date:
She was an administrator working in a law office. She was also a single mother with a young son. Hadn’t I mentioned to my counselor that couldn’t really handle a situation like that? It’s true enough that I was not prepared to deal with this surprise. I had a cheese enchilada and ate lots of chips and salsa and chased ‘em down with enough Coke to give me a caffeine high and help me stay awake late thinking about what to say to those nice folks at Together.
Fourth Date:
She was a tech worker at Apple Computer. An avid equestrian. She answered my phone call and told me that she had joined Together as a “knee-jerk reaction” to her recent break-up with her boyfriend. In fact, she’d learned that this whole dating service thing was not really agreeable. Did I sound a bit disappointed? She offered to “go out” with me anyway, knowing this might be my one opportunity to get a date this month. Now wasn’t that a nice gesture? I thought I was equally nice when informing her she need not go to such extreme sacrifice on my account. With that, she rode off into the sunset and I felt quite pleased. I was beginning to develop a fair amount of self respect and was even becoming impervious to rejection and disappointment. This was all good for me, you know win-win kind of stuff. I also decided it was time to ask for my money back.
Interlude – I glimpsed Oz behind the Curtain:
I returned to the offices of Together in Campbell and discovered that my counselor had been avoiding my phone calls because she had developed cancer and had to take time away from work to heal. She was back now and appeared to be well, but she didn’t remember me. She referred me to the experts who were responsible for matchmaking, you know, the supposed core activity of the company. After many attempts, I finally reached one of these people by phone. Her “last day” at the company was coming soon, but she’d be glad to help me. We went through the whole process of how the matchmaking was done and why it didn’t appear to be working. Basically, the problem was that there were very few women signed up for the service and it was on the verge of going out of business. The matchmakers had long ago given up on trying to match people by their “interests” and “likes” or even “dislikes” as divulged on the information cards. She shuffled through her "current" deck of info cards and said: “Here’s a nice young woman. She’s tall and she has long hair. She’s very cute. You’ll like her”. Now remember this was a phone conversation. We didn’t have email jpg attachments or url's to look at in the early 90’s, so I would have to take her word for this description of the young woman. I was intrigued! In fact, I was developing a plan. Maybe I could talk to this woman about helping me to gather evidence to sue Together! Perhaps I could use the money to pay for a vacation to the Greek Isles? This was indeed an action plan, and I was angry enough to carry it out too. Of course I'd also developed a lingering sense of curiousity about this young woman with the long black hair.
Fifth Date – I meet my wife to be:
She was difficult to reach and of course did not return my calls. She had a roommate though, so I asked some questions and got enough information to hunt her down at work. It turned out that this “roommate” was her Mother. It was a daring move on my part and I doubt the instrusion of calling her at the workplace was very well received. But I had a plan, remember? I asked her why she didn't want to meet, pushing to the conclusion that she had no intention of honoring the dating agency agreement. Instead she took up my challenge, revealing a humorous and quite charming personality. Her Mom wouldn’t let her out “after dark”. She worked long hours, etc. I made further inquiries. Would she help out by admitting that there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that she would want to date me? I don’t think either of us understood the other’s motives at this point, so instead of trying to explain, we decided to meet for dinner. It was summer in California and we could spend an hour together after work before it got dark and her Mom worried and all that. We met in Stanford University in the shadow of Hoover Tower. She was a little shy but obviously very smart with beautiful long black hair. She seemed to fit well with the matchmaker’s description. We ate dinner together and talked about a few things including Shakespeare. Blame me for this, but I couldn’t find anything wrong! And so it happened that I never gathered the evidence to sue the dating service. As time went by, I began to look at things differently. I would pretend the whole thing never happened. My girlfriend and then within another year, my wife…we met at Stanford. That’s what I told everyone when faced with the “how did you two meet” question. Such a nice couple!
Getting back to the future; It’s no longer shocking to tell someone how I met my wife. I never dreamed that one day there would be online Personals and whole communities of people meeting with the help of matchmaking services. Why it’s not even a very expensive proposition now! It’s mostly just self service nowadays and internet companies supply the tools to help people get their message of desire out to the world. There must be millions of stories about people meeting in chat rooms, instant messaging or email. There are a few things I’ve learned though and I doubt this is subject to change. No matter what method you use, you still need a good dosage of curiosity to get involved in these life changing conversations. You need to overcome the tendency to keep up a guard and you need to gamble a bit with your free time if you want to meet someone and spend a sweet and simple life together.
By Bill Keys
billgkeys@yahoo.com
facebook.com/bill.keys
Dedications:
To my wife Vivian, who shares together with me.
In the days before the internet, there were these so called “dating services”. They used video files, questionnaires, list of likes and dislikes, and other methods to divine what might be a perfect match. It was in the early 90’s and there’s not yet a hint of browsers, dot.com explosions, or anything like. Hey, it was actually a kind of depressing time period. The economy was in bad shape anyway.
As for me, I was busy working all day and going to school at night. I would come home tired but ready to plunge into my homework assignments or maybe sit down to read a book (Philosophy, Drama, Poetry) or listen to music. (Bluegrass, Blues) OK, to be clear, I was not actively pursuing my latent interest in romance. I had already turned 30 and the subject of romance was regulated to the “haunted dreams” space or might give me headaches lying awake at night. Fulfillment was not in the cards.
I started looking at advertisements for Dating Services. What the hell, it wouldn’t be a bad thing to put the element of force to work. If I was to make something happen, I would get a ticket and stand in line knowing something different was about to happen, even it wasn’t the natural “way” for men and women to meet each other. Now realize I say “men and women” because this period was a long ways from Brokeback Mountain, and dating services were not yet prepared to widen their scope of influence in bringing the diverse spectrum of humanity together. Anyway, I had my dream to meet a woman, share the action and adventure of life both physically and mentally, and move on to a new stage of life. And now to go along with this dream, I had adopted a new attitude. Here was a Class A fear factor situation and I was going to confront it.
I picked out one matchmaking service called Together. I can’t recall if I’d found Together in the Metro weekly or perhaps the Yellow Pages but the concept seemed simple enough. Men and Women with diverse experience and backgrounds would find each other with a little bit of help from these knowledgeable pros. I called and made an appointment. They were very willing to accommodate my busy schedule too and that gave me a good impression.
The counselor assigned to my case was a woman about my age. She asked me a few questions about why I had decided to come in and then interrupted my response to report that I was in good hands. She personally knew a few good women attendant to this service who would be very interested to meet me. Why not call them in right now? (I thought) But proper etiquette suggested waiting for a punch line and so I waited patiently through her explanation of how the service works. Finally, she stopped and asked me which of their annual plans I intended to sign up for:
1) Meet 2 women per month for $750
2) Meet 1 woman a month for $500.
So which plan would I prefer? Oh my, $750 is a lot of money. They were rumors of cutbacks at work too. So I asked about the $500 plan. Wouldn’t it be a bit scant on the “dating” activity if there was only one name provided each month? “But you’ve forgotten that these are high quality matches. You’ll want to spend time with this one person”, said the counselor. “What if I sign up today” I said and she told me it takes 30 days for the process to work itself out. “What about those women you mentioned earlier?” I had remembered the carrots that had dangled earlier in my star crossed eyes. Unfortunately, things became confrontational at that point. After all, this was still a business transaction and my time in the chair was beginning to exceed the value thereof for my counselor. So out came the hard sale tactics. This woman would have been OK selling used cars or just about anything that required a good lean on. Didn’t I believe in myself? Wouldn’t I think it worthwhile to invest in myself? What was happiness worth? To which I gave some lame reply about job stability and assorted financial concerns. But again, didn’t I believe that I could find another job if that was how the cards played out? Cards? Yes, this is the second mention of “cards” in this little essay. You see, love is a gamble and we need explicit metaphors to assist in discovering the ways of love.
I was hooked! Yeah man, I guess this had been my problem all along. I hadn’t believed in myself enough to take chances, even when it came to facing the prospect of an empty, lonely life. Or at least I hadn’t practiced the time honored strategy of giving myself a chance to win by agreeing to play in the game. “Be careful” said the counselor. “You might think about this during the next few weeks and you might even think you’ve made a mistake. You need to wait for the process to work.” I’m a Libra, so of course this only made me think harder before signing the check to pay for the service. I weighed the evidence before me. Of course! She’s trying to make sure I don’t take advantage of the cooling off period to back out of the deal. But no amount of skepticism could stop me now. After all, I had a new attitude and I was taking charge of my own love life. I wouldn’t be caught on a lonely park bench waiting for a miracle to happen now. I was a Gambler with a Romantic streak and I believed in myself. Besides I’d wasted money on things worst than this. What about that old pick-up truck?
I hope I haven’t misled you. There won’t be a finely detailed description of everything that happened after I walked out the counselor’s office. Nope, the pace of this story increases now. I’ve set the stage for the ending and I hope I’ve made it clear that it all begins with a state of mind. The most important adventure of my life began with a stumble, an act of bravery, and with assorted accidents of chance and circumstance. Think about it a moment. At some point we all take the gamble and set things in motion.
It was almost two months before I received my first “match” in the mail from Together. I had tried to nonchalant the whole thing, but started calling the counselor’s office squarely after 30 days had gone by with no results. Like most things, this “dating” process began under pressure and needed a push and shove to take off. Here’s the summary of what happened, and remember, these activities occurred at 30 to 45 day intervals.
First Date:
She was a Hispanic police woman who was hard to hook up with. She was only available on weekday mornings. She need a couple of hours a day to “work out”. Somehow we managed a brief dinner at the Pruneyard in Campbell. Was she on duty? She told me she needed to sit in the back of the room facing the door in case some outlaw should decide to “draw down” on her. She’d have to be ready for that, or deal with the the possibility of taking a bullet in the back. First impression? Well, I remember thinking I wouldn’t want this kind of thing happen either. I was OK her taking a seat facing the doorway. We spent about a half hour or so with her explaining how she would “take out” criminals in various situations. I walked away knowing more about the role of women in the police department.
Second Date:
She was an elementary school teacher who was overweight with short cropped blond hair. She offered to help me with college math and commented that I had nice teeth. Sort of like examining livestock for intelligence and breeding, I thought. We spent an hour with her discussing the bad habits of her ex-husband. He liked to watch TV sports. What did I think about it? Well, I could understand a little bit of what their life must have been like and I knew the relationship hadn’t ended well. Later I read some advice that people shouldn’t mention their previous relationships, especially on a first date. The advice had impact and now I had experience as proof. I also noted that my Together preferences were for height/weight proportionate women with medium or long hair. Someone must have missed that, I guess.
Third Date:
She was an administrator working in a law office. She was also a single mother with a young son. Hadn’t I mentioned to my counselor that couldn’t really handle a situation like that? It’s true enough that I was not prepared to deal with this surprise. I had a cheese enchilada and ate lots of chips and salsa and chased ‘em down with enough Coke to give me a caffeine high and help me stay awake late thinking about what to say to those nice folks at Together.
Fourth Date:
She was a tech worker at Apple Computer. An avid equestrian. She answered my phone call and told me that she had joined Together as a “knee-jerk reaction” to her recent break-up with her boyfriend. In fact, she’d learned that this whole dating service thing was not really agreeable. Did I sound a bit disappointed? She offered to “go out” with me anyway, knowing this might be my one opportunity to get a date this month. Now wasn’t that a nice gesture? I thought I was equally nice when informing her she need not go to such extreme sacrifice on my account. With that, she rode off into the sunset and I felt quite pleased. I was beginning to develop a fair amount of self respect and was even becoming impervious to rejection and disappointment. This was all good for me, you know win-win kind of stuff. I also decided it was time to ask for my money back.
Interlude – I glimpsed Oz behind the Curtain:
I returned to the offices of Together in Campbell and discovered that my counselor had been avoiding my phone calls because she had developed cancer and had to take time away from work to heal. She was back now and appeared to be well, but she didn’t remember me. She referred me to the experts who were responsible for matchmaking, you know, the supposed core activity of the company. After many attempts, I finally reached one of these people by phone. Her “last day” at the company was coming soon, but she’d be glad to help me. We went through the whole process of how the matchmaking was done and why it didn’t appear to be working. Basically, the problem was that there were very few women signed up for the service and it was on the verge of going out of business. The matchmakers had long ago given up on trying to match people by their “interests” and “likes” or even “dislikes” as divulged on the information cards. She shuffled through her "current" deck of info cards and said: “Here’s a nice young woman. She’s tall and she has long hair. She’s very cute. You’ll like her”. Now remember this was a phone conversation. We didn’t have email jpg attachments or url's to look at in the early 90’s, so I would have to take her word for this description of the young woman. I was intrigued! In fact, I was developing a plan. Maybe I could talk to this woman about helping me to gather evidence to sue Together! Perhaps I could use the money to pay for a vacation to the Greek Isles? This was indeed an action plan, and I was angry enough to carry it out too. Of course I'd also developed a lingering sense of curiousity about this young woman with the long black hair.
Fifth Date – I meet my wife to be:
She was difficult to reach and of course did not return my calls. She had a roommate though, so I asked some questions and got enough information to hunt her down at work. It turned out that this “roommate” was her Mother. It was a daring move on my part and I doubt the instrusion of calling her at the workplace was very well received. But I had a plan, remember? I asked her why she didn't want to meet, pushing to the conclusion that she had no intention of honoring the dating agency agreement. Instead she took up my challenge, revealing a humorous and quite charming personality. Her Mom wouldn’t let her out “after dark”. She worked long hours, etc. I made further inquiries. Would she help out by admitting that there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that she would want to date me? I don’t think either of us understood the other’s motives at this point, so instead of trying to explain, we decided to meet for dinner. It was summer in California and we could spend an hour together after work before it got dark and her Mom worried and all that. We met in Stanford University in the shadow of Hoover Tower. She was a little shy but obviously very smart with beautiful long black hair. She seemed to fit well with the matchmaker’s description. We ate dinner together and talked about a few things including Shakespeare. Blame me for this, but I couldn’t find anything wrong! And so it happened that I never gathered the evidence to sue the dating service. As time went by, I began to look at things differently. I would pretend the whole thing never happened. My girlfriend and then within another year, my wife…we met at Stanford. That’s what I told everyone when faced with the “how did you two meet” question. Such a nice couple!
Getting back to the future; It’s no longer shocking to tell someone how I met my wife. I never dreamed that one day there would be online Personals and whole communities of people meeting with the help of matchmaking services. Why it’s not even a very expensive proposition now! It’s mostly just self service nowadays and internet companies supply the tools to help people get their message of desire out to the world. There must be millions of stories about people meeting in chat rooms, instant messaging or email. There are a few things I’ve learned though and I doubt this is subject to change. No matter what method you use, you still need a good dosage of curiosity to get involved in these life changing conversations. You need to overcome the tendency to keep up a guard and you need to gamble a bit with your free time if you want to meet someone and spend a sweet and simple life together.
By Bill Keys
billgkeys@yahoo.com
facebook.com/bill.keys
Dedications:
To my wife Vivian, who shares together with me.
